DSF 025: Is Family Who You Make It?

DAYnamics Show Fundamentals 025: Is Family Who You Make It? 

Today we ask my daughter Makoda a few questions around family and get some surprising, open answers! We talk about Family Dynamics and rethink “family” as something you actively choose and build through connection, time, and care. We dig into communication, expectations, and the quiet everyday moments that end up meaning the most. 

• redefining family as chosen connection plus blood ties
• treating kids as whole humans who need communication skills
• staying authentic while adjusting how you communicate with different relatives
• letting go of “normal” and media-driven family expectations
• resisting comparison when others hit milestones first
• valuing mundane family time as the memories you keep

Links for the Show:

FAMILY Dynamics Song: The Family Table We Build                              

Great fun, give the Suno app a try once you listen to our song (country rock vibe). Here's our link: https://suno.com/invite/@dynamicsseries (free version available)

FAMILY Dynamics Blog: 5 Family Styles That Shape Us (And Why You Should Care)

FAMILY Dynamics Manifesto: Family Dynamics: You Belong Here

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello Dynamics community. I'm your host Marianna, welcoming you to the Dynamics Show, where personal growth meets daily life in the most powerful ways. Here, we know that life isn't a one-size-fits-all.

Welcome And Setting The Tone

SPEAKER_00 0:16

So each episode is designed to help you align with your unique rhythm, embrace your dynamic self, and create a life that works on your terms. This is your space to gain fresh perspectives, seize opportunities, and uncover the possibilities waiting for you. You're here for reason and will and will hear what you need to. So let's dive in and explore what's possible together. Today, our discussion recording will be about exploring the subject of family dynamics. I have the pleasure of being joined with Makota. Welcome, Makoda. Thanks for having me. For those that might just be hearing our podcast for the first time, Makota is my daughter. And she's been part of the Kid Dynamics and Dynamics series and this dynamics show all the way through since she was in my belly. So she's been with us a long time. And a lot of the kid dynamics stuff was created because and for her. Thank you for that. Thank you. Thanks for coming along and choosing me as your mom. That's awesome. And because she's part of the family again, we did a podcast earlier in the month with my mother and now with my daughter. And if we can fit anyone else, that's great. But if not, they'll have to wait till another month. Makota, again, welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much. It's exciting to be here, especially for this topic. Yeah, absolutely. Let's just start with a quick question to you. What does family mean to you? Truly mean to you. I asked the same question to my mom.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

That is that's a really big question. I think that answer would have changed many times during my life. But I think right now family is who you make it to be. I think that I'm very fortunate that the people that I'm connected to by blood are close to me and that I feel like are my family, but there's a lot of people that aren't connected by blood that are also part of my family. And I think that family is who you connect to and spend time with and truly value, whether that's friends or step family or distant relatives. It's the people that you you see yourself being the most connected to.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Like family is who you make it, right? Really, yes. Yeah. Because some people don't have a family, you know, really when you think of it, they've either not had one as ever born into it or have lost some along the way. So family is what you make it, right? Exactly. Yeah, okay. What we like to do though, before we get too far into the podcast, is let's set the tone first. Because this is more than just a podcast. It's a space to remind you that within each one of us flows a dynamic energy ready to be embraced, shaped, and co-created every single day. And that's why the day in dynamics is capitalized, because it is about making a daily choice to live dynamically. Let's take a moment to center ourselves, take a deep breath in, and out and become fully present and listen with an open heart and mind. Because here's the one thing what we focus on expands, and every day is a chance to become more of our true dynamic selves. So you ready for this podcast? Sounds good. All right, let's go. So what we thought we would do with Makota, because again, she's been on so many of these podcasts so far, and again, part of the family unit. I wrote out these questions and I just said, look these over, decide which ones you think are are most important ones to cover, and then we'll cover like five or so. If we get to more, that's great. If not, but we still want to consider that this is around a 30-minute uh podcast for you. So first question, ready? Sounds good. All right. When you think about family communication growing up compared to now, there now that there's different people involved, did you feel like your voice was truly heard, or did you feel like you had to adapt to keep the peace?

Finding Your Voice In Family

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Ooh, that's a very tricky question. That's why I wanted to talk about it. Because I think that a lot of kids, especially now that I'm an educator, they aren't always fully taught how to use their voice correctly. And sometimes they can use it in the right context, but not overall. When you think about going to school, it's always, you know, listen to the teacher, you know, be quiet in the hallway. This is things that I even have to tell my kids sometimes just because that's what the school expects or what they expect from their other teachers. And it makes me realize that a lot of the time students aren't really given the chance to have a strong opinion on certain topics when they're younger, especially. And I feel the same way about when I was growing up, both from just how I grew up and kind of the situation that my upbringing was in, is that a lot of the time I don't feel like, not that I wasn't given chances to, but I wasn't really sure how to. Even though, you know, kid dynamics has helped me a lot with being able to find my voice as a kid and knowing how valuable I am when I was a child and still now, I still think that even though you have all those tools, sometimes it's just taking that step and wanting to talk and really speak your mind and feeling like you can communicate with the people around you. And I think as I grow up now, it becomes easier to have an opinion on topics and have actual conversations instead of just answering how I think people want me to answer. But I'm still gripping with that. And I think that's something that I'm gonna be doing for the rest of my life and figuring out not to answer on ways that you want to appease people by, but just being honest. And if people don't like that, then you have to just be okay with that.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Wow. That that's a very deep, but a great question answered by you. So thank you for your honesty. A couple things actually came up with all of that. One is that I like how you said sometimes you don't know the how-to because not everyone has conscious caretakers, parents, guardians, teachers, uh, coaches, friends, uh, relatives that uh know how to allow for because I always say in the Kid Dynamics program, and this is not a thing about kid dynamics, because we bring it up, but it's one of the reasons why it was created. Yes, is uh for families in what again, whatever your family looks like to you, is they don't always know how to communicate themselves. They don't realize that when you were younger and kids younger really do have a lot to say and a lot to give and a new perspective, and that it's not always about, well, I'm the oldest, I know best, because everyone has their own inner guidance, and sometimes a kid's inner guidance is saying, no, that doesn't feel right, or no, this is how I feel, or no, or I'm not understanding this. Can we talk this out, or being able to like communicate, right? With that the age and really trying to bring across, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Yes, and especially for kids, I remember seeing it on a website, I don't remember which one. That was for a school, and it was that, you know, kids are just tiny versions of who they're going to be. So if you treat them like they're lesser just because they're younger or older, or sorry, if they're younger or, you know, less experienced than you are, then you're not really giving them the chance. And it's just that they don't know how to yet. You know, if they were to grow up instantly, they'd probably be able to have a conversation and be able to share it, but they just don't know those skills yet. So that's why it's so important to teach them and to have to walk that fine line between you don't want to have your kid grow up feeling that they're better than the people around them, but you also don't want them to feel like they're lesser and having to figure out how to teach your kid that.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Yeah. And I like at the end, too, of this answer, you said if someone's asking me a question, I'm answering it and I'll answer it honestly. And if they didn't like it, then I heard a saying, it's just like, I'm not responsible to make you comfortable with my answers. If someone is asking a question. Now there's a difference between someone's truly asking you a question and wants and is open to anything, or you just putting your opinion out there. Yeah. So that's very different when it cuts, especially family dynamics, because sometimes we tend to get involved because you care or love or are more invested in your family than you know, a stranger on a side of the street, or if you truly want to have it so you're having these good, you know, communication. It's just it has you have to be open and honest about things, but it doesn't mean that that has to be unsolicited stuff. Yeah. Sometimes listening instead of sharing is is the best way to communicate because you can tell by someone's energy or their body language, not necessarily even the words coming out of their mouth, and watching for patterns and habits in a family that, you know, then you can learn how to how to communicate and balance, but without losing your own authenticity along the way.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

It's a very big thing because every single person in your family that you talk to, you're going to be talking to probably differently because you just get how they are. As an example, I like to be very joking with my aunt when we talk, but I'm not the same way with my grandma because I understand that's just not how we communicate, but it's not like I'm being any less authentic. It's just that I'm showing different parts of my personality and myself to those people that feel like it matters too.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Yeah. Great. Anything more on that question? I think we covered it really nicely. Yeah. I'm sure will along the the years. It's a it's a work in progress. It's always work in progress. On to the next question. If you could describe our family dynamic in three words, what would they be? And would those words have changed from childhood to now?

SPEAKER_02 11:03

Oof. I mean, they've definitely changed from childhood to now.

Three Words For Our Family Dynamic

SPEAKER_02 11:08

I think that my idea of family when I was a kid was very close-minded, especially because I grew up not always around the family that I thought was the family that I had at the time. You know, when you're a kid, it's like, oh, it's your cousins and your aunts and your uncles and your siblings. And as I got older, I realized that it's so much more than that. So I feel that the three words that I would describe my family dynamic when I was a kid was probably close.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Like close. Like C L O S E close or closed.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

Close and far. Yeah, okay. So close, far and normal, I would say. And that that seems very weird for those three words to be used. Like, you know, I think that they were in my mind, I'm using the word close because I feel like I was close to the people that the people that I was close to proximity-wise felt like my family and not always the people that were my family far because at the same time I knew that I had a family that was so far away from me that I didn't really feel like I was getting to know them very well. And I don't remember what the last one was, but it made sense the time. It just felt that when I was a kid, it was a very complicated topic for me to have as a family, because again, we had family all over the world, so it was very hard to get that growing up. As I've grown up, I think the three words that I would describe would be dynamic, a dynamic family, maybe ever-changing and expansive. So I would say, even though a lot of those words are very similar, that I realize that as I'm getting older, that I'm gonna be starting my own family at some point with my own kids, and that I'm gonna be gaining a new family when I get married, and also that I've been able to get so many wonderful friends in my life that I feel like are part of my family. And also that I've been able to make so many more memorable moments and actually get to know the people that are my blood family as well. You know, getting to see my aunts and my uncles and my own parents and my stepparents in a different light because now I can see them as people and not just as my caretakers, even though they still are. It's like you actually form a friendship with them instead of them just telling you what to do all the time, sometimes. Yeah. So it's really become something that I care about and want to see expand and see where where it goes.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Yeah. Because you learn so much from your present family. You learn what you do want to do and what you don't want to do, which is cool. Generationally, you know that as things evolved, you're gonna evolve as a not only a person, but how you want your family to be, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:00

So I'm glad I did because I definitely could have kept, oh, well, um, my aunts and uncles are across Canada. Well, I don't need to hang out with them or talk to them anymore because they're not close to me, even though they are, you know, close in terms of where I feel like they should be in my heart. It's the effort that you put in. And I realize now that even though they're far away, that you can, and I still will have to put in effort to make sure that they're a part of my life by sharing pictures and talking to them and making them feel like they're actually there.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Yeah. And an added side to that is with these three words or whatever, because again, the people that have listened to this knows that we're now a bl like a blended family in in trying to keep that family dynamic going. The three words for me would be love, because there's always love with the people that I call family and contrast, which I think only helps us evolve, having that what you do want and don't what don't want experience. And then I would say like yours, like evolution and expansion. That goes back and forth as far as three words to describe the family dynamics from way back in childhood to now. So yeah. Feel good about that?

SPEAKER_02 15:20

Yeah, it's crazy that it's changed so much and it's for the better.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Yeah, absolutely. Always evolving, yes. So, how are you doing, audience? How are you liking the first two questions? I mean, it's very evolved, and it's questions that you can ask yourself as well, and have the conversation with those people that are you're close to in what you consider your family, because it doesn't mean that we always have to agree, being what you label as family. And as far as the definition of family, probably the easiest way to find it is go dynamicsseries.com slash family, because it is one of the dynamics, and then it has it in our blogs and stuff as far as like the dictionary definitions and a few of them, and then you decide what you want to do as far as how you want to redefine it if necessary. So, question number three for Makota. Ready? Sounds good, yeah. Okay, now as a recent 27-year-old, because her birthday was last week. Yes. This is how the question reads. As a 27-year-old woman, does that feel different saying like woman instead of kid?

SPEAKER_02 16:30

Yeah, I I don't I don't think many people in my life refer to me as a woman. You know, it's just it's either, you know, miss or you know, they they just use so many other labels

Releasing Family Expectations And Comparison

SPEAKER_02 16:39

like teacher or lots of mammals.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Yeah, a lot of mammals. Where do you feel family expectations have shaped your choices for better or worse? That's the first part of the question.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

Well, I I think that not necessarily my family, but I think just the expectations of what family should be in terms of media or, you know, looking at other people's lives. I think that when I was growing up and I realized that at the time I was one of the only people in my grade level that had a divorced family. You know, other people joined alongside that and I knew them. But at the time it felt like, oh wow, like it felt weird to have a different expectation of what family should be, because I was told by media and by things that I saw around me that that was different, and not that it wasn't okay, but it was there wasn't really a lot of positive representation of what my family is. So my expectations of, is that okay? Is that normal? were very different. I think as I grew up, the same thing happened with media, and just okay, well, what does family need to be? Is family always spending their holidays together, always messaging each other? And you always try to compare yourself to other people's families, which is not what you should do ever. It's okay to do that because you want to know, but it's so important just to realize that your family is yours, and the expectations that your family has for you only come from their perception of what they think too at the same time. So if I'm doubting or if I'm thinking that my family is not normal or okay because of other people's expectations, what do you think my family is thinking of me the other way around? And I think that it's just very important to take a second and realize that there's no wrong way to have a family and that the expectations that your family has on you shouldn't change what is the best for you. Because if that's the case, then my life would look very different, and that's not what it needs to be. It needs to be what it is right now because this is the best path for me. So I think that's a good thing to realize is that everyone has their own life path, and your family expectations are just expectations. They don't need to be definite.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Great, great answer. And what is normal now anyway? There is no normal. There is normal is whatever you make it. It's the same as a family, it's what you make it because normal is does not represent what society, life, whatever, like normal is what you make it. So you said normal. So that was interesting. And the other thing is you brought up a really good point about, you know, you were younger and not a lot of people were divorced at that point. I don't even look at divorce as divorce, and that's gonna be a whole other podcast because I look at it as we came together, we had experiences, we created Makoda, which is perfect, and then we, you know, we went our different ways, we evolved in different ways, and and we no longer had to be together on this life path as far as marriage. And I, you know, it was the one thing that I truly felt like it was okay, because I was the I was the first person in my family to do that. But what I realized is I cared and loved enough and more about myself than I cared about fitting into what family was supposed to look like way back then. Right. So I just wanted to say that is define whatever serves you for as far as family. Now, the second part of that question was what expectations from er, you know, our family now do you still carry from again different people, but do you feel like it's still those three words, or do you feel like it's an expectations? It can be what you expect or what people expect from you, which we can't even guess what most people expect from us right unless we actually have that, you know, clear and honest conversation.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Well, I I don't think that thankfully my family has ever told me to do a specific thing with my own family situation. I haven't been, you know, bombarded by when I'm gonna get married or when am I gonna get pregnant, when am I gonna get a house. It's like the expectations that I see are more so what I see other people doing before me and thinking that, oh, well, you know, should I catch up to everyone? It feels like it's a little bit of a game. You know, many of my cousins have already gotten married and they already have their own house and they already have their own kids or kids on the way, which is great for them. Then I also realize that it's no one's telling me to do the same thing as them. That's just their own life path. And it's me realizing that there's no one making me do it the same way that they are, and it's great that they are doing it that way, and that can be a great learning curve and a great source of knowledge for when I get to that point in my life because I'll have so many people in my family that have already done it. But no one is the expectations that I have of what my expectations I think my family has are just in my head, and no one's telling me to do anything. So I think that's a nice thing to think. About and I've really g come to terms with that is that no one's telling me to do anything that I don't need to do because they need me to just be happy.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Right. That that and and truly from me, my expectation for you is just to live your highest and best and to ex enjoy this life and to uh make it the the best experiences that you can have that make you feel good. And that's all that really matters. Highest and best for your soul and your life path and whatever that entails. There is no real right or wrong. I mean, there is in regards to the law and all that stuff, but but in general, like it's it's everybody's journey. Yes. And just to always take care of your own well-being first. And I know a lot of people will say, well, I have kids, blah blah blah blah. Again, if you're not taking care of your well-being, then how are you gonna take care of your kids' well-beings? Very true. Yeah. From a family perspective, you're the example. And so let's uh have the example like that, but be the best version of yourself, so then the kids will have something to uh be an example of, admire, and and want to follow in your footsteps.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

So very well said.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Thank you. So before we go into our last question for this podcast, again, thank you, Makoda, for being here. And we ended up doing something a little different this month for the dynamics. Is there's app that you can play with? I wrote some words and we actually created a song. I posted on the social media and it's on dynamicsseries.com slash family. We'll have the link down below. And it's just a a song about family around the table, the the the family dynamic table. I think no, the family table we create, I don't know. You know, I'll put the label, I'll put the title of the song down below. And it's just something that we made more of a country rock type of song with uh some really good heartfelt words to it. Now, off to our last question. What do you think? I think I'm ready. Ready, okay. Now, given the dynamics of the family you have, and we've gone over a lot of dynamics in our life, we've covered a lot. What will you

Why Mundane Moments Matter Most

SPEAKER_00 24:45

move forward with around family in general?

SPEAKER_01 24:49

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

Well, this is gonna sound really cheesy, but I actually had a good, a good cry last night because I was watching the movie Click with Adam Sandler, very funny, silly movie. But it hit me because it was all about not just, well, the movie for anyone who hasn't seen this very old movie, but it was all about this man that, you know, he was fast forwarding his life, and that was the whole premise. He was fast forwarding all the moments that he thought were boring and mundane with his family. And he realized that those are the best parts of it. So it got me a good cry. And I kind of realized that, you know, as as I get older and as I start to spend less time with some parts of my family, and I already have with some of them, that it's very, it's very important to realize that every moment is precious and every little mundane thing that you do with your family, even if it's doing dishes or taking the dogs out or going and getting groceries, that those moments will eventually stop happening or they will become so infrequent that you forget about them. But to really relish in those times that you can spend with family, even if they seem mundane and boring, because it's just what it is. And again, as I think about how my life is gonna unfold and becoming very different in the near future, I'm gonna be so excited to have those times to go shopping or to go and walk the dogs when they come back. And it's just important to spend time with your family, really, and know that the expectations that they have for you are not that crazy. And that the really the only expectation that they have is probably to spend time with you and to really just have you in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 26:32

Nice. With a little with a little watery eye tour here. Yes, and we're in a different location again. So if you hear any background noise, that that's what it is, just a different location. Anything else that you want to say about family in general, or do you think you've covered like a lot of it here? I mean, it'll it's a non-stop subject, so that's you know, it's something that will always be evolving as you continue to live life.

unknown 27:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

But is there anything, you know, last minute?

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Well, I I think that, you know, I think I've had three major or two major family dynamics so far of just, you know, when you're a kid and you have all these people telling you how to grow up. And now I'm coming, you know, to the end of my second section, which was, you know, they're now not always telling me what to do, but they're supporting me in becoming a person and, you know, an adult. And now I'm getting to that third part where now that I'm gonna, you know, eventually start my own family and be living on my own. And that'll be so interesting to see how my family dynamic changes. And I'm so excited to see all the new experiences that are gonna happen with my family because of that and coming to the new chapter of what dynamics is. Yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

And we're excited for you too.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

Thank you. I'm excited. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

Very awesome. Thank you so much. And again, thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. And I think our the take-home saying today will be family is who you make it. Yes. Sounds like a good one. Yeah, I think so too. I just want to say this too while we're on here, is I just want to do a shout out to our supporters and subscribers and and to those that have bought us a coffee. And we really appreciate that because the support often doesn't show

Resources Challenge And Closing

SPEAKER_00 28:30

up and a lot of people aren't doing it for it to show up, but it really does mean a lot to us that you're supporting us in that way, even subscribing to the podcast. So every time it comes out, it just naturally shows up for you. So there's usually two a month along the way. Thanks for that, and being part of our dynamic family on that. That's why I often call dynamic family dynamic community. It's it's a group that by choice, we are here together to evolve. So thank you, thank you, thank you. So let's take a moment just to reflect on today's episode with these questions and living a life dynamically around family, and how will you make some of these answers your own or answer them differently? Maybe ask yourself these questions and have a conversation with those people that you feel are family. And you know, it'd be interesting to see what comes out of that. We can't wait to hear your story. You know how to reach us, dynamicsseries.com or dynamics show.info, and then just contact form in either one of them that you can share with us. Now, here's a challenge: take action, share this episode with someone that who may need it or dive into past recordings and keep the conversation momentum going. All materials are copyrighted and meant for informational purposes only. Visit us anytime again, dynamicshow.info, dynamicsseries.com for more resources. And remember, your journey does not stop here. There's so much more waiting for you. Every day is a chance to align with your own dynamic self. So until next time, thank you, thank you, thank for tuning in to the dynamic show. Makota, as always, thank you, thank you, thank you for being a guest on this. You're a loved member of family and a loved member of this dynamics family as well. So thank you so much. Thank you so much. So, as we always say together, let's or separately, go make it today a dynamic day and make it a dynamic day. Make it a dynamic day. Thank you. Thank you.